I'm not sure quite how to start this. I have a lot of things on my mind and a lot of emotions that feel overwhelming a lot of the time. We have shared Maddix's story to some of our friends in person, but I'm sure a lot of you would like to know what exactly happened and posting it once is a lot easier than telling it over and over. I don't mind telling people because I want to talk about Maddix, and I want to remember him and keep him a part of our family, but it is a very emotional story for me.
Before I tell the story I need to say that even though losing a child has been my worst nightmare, I know that God prepared me for this trial in my life. I have had so many experiences and witnesses that prove to me that God is real, He is aware of my suffering, and He has blessed me with the resources I need to get through this, number one being allowing His own son to die for all of us and take upon the sins and sorrows of the world so that we can rely on Him when we have our own pain and suffering. God is real. Jesus Christ is His son and He lives! He loves me and has carried me and my family through this unthinkable tragedy. I know many people reading this don't have the same faith or beliefs I do, so some of the things I share may come off as strange or crazy or may even seem just like coincidences, but I know without any doubt that God has a hand in my life and has a plan for me, for my family, and for Maddix.
For months we looked forward to our vacation in Hawaii. We went with my dad, step-mom Mindy, my sister Jordyn, her two friends Davis and Haley, my brother Tyler, my step-brother Morgan, and Mindy's niece Brooklyn for Jordyn's graduation trip. We had gone the summer before my senior year and loved it so much so I was so excited for this trip. My dad's step-sister and her husband own a beach house on the north shore of Oahu and its such a beautiful place! The next door neighbor also had a studio apartment where Trey and our family were going to stay. We arrived on the Friday before Father's Day and went swimming that evening. On Saturday we had a fun day at Hanauma Bay snorkeling and getting fried in the sun. It was absolutely gorgeous. I took a minute to send my Nanny a message when we got back to the house and part of is said,
"
Kohen LOVES the ocean!!! He woke up this morning saying "agua? Ready? Come on!" Haha!!! So cute. We may have to move here. I haven't felt this happy in a long time! It's nice to have Trey all to myself it's wonderful!!!!! "
How crazy that I went from such immense happiness to the most grief I've ever experience in just 24 hours. Life is short. Life is precious. The next day, Father's day, we went to the Laie, Hawaii LDS temple. Temples are such sacred places for Mormons. This is where we get married and sealed for time and all eternity, and we believe if we do as we are taught that we will indeed be together with our families for eternity. We took some time to take pictures and walk around the beautiful grounds and it was truly beautiful. Before we left a missionary came out of the visitor's center and suggested that we watch a movie that they had on families. The movie followed a family through losing a grandfather and who they dealt with it and showed their faith that they would see him again. I was so emotional throughout the entire thing, and I thought it was because of the recent two year anniversary of my mom's passing. But after the presentation I had the distinct thought that I had no doubt God has a plan for us and that families can be forever. I cherish that experience so much. I feel as though I needed that reminder before I could experience what was ahead. After visiting the temple we went home and changed our clothes to go on a hike. It was a beautiful day and a gorgeous hike up to a waterfall. It was a great day and we were all ready for dinner by the time we got home.
Around 4:30 I fed Maddix and went in to put him down for a nap. Since Kohen and Maddix both needed naps during the day we decided to let Jordyn and her friends stay in the studio apartment and we took the extra room so that we could still visit with our family while the kids napped. In the bedroom there were two twin beds that we pushed together. We had all slept fine on them the night before and we didn't even think it was an issue to let Maddix sleep on the bed for his naps because he always napped on our bed. I laid him at the head of the bed sideways, because if he moved he wouldn't fall off the bed. This really wasn't a thought, however, because he didn't know how to roll over. Or so we thought. I checked on him about a half hour later while we were getting dinner ready and he was fine, breathing, and in the same spot I had put him in. During dinner, I said how great of a nap Maddix was taking, and usually when either of our boys sleep longer than normal Trey or I say "we should go check on them," but that day the thought didn't even cross our minds to check on him. Maybe because we had been off our normal schedule and we were just happy he was getting in a good nap. I have a feeling that God kept us from having that thought because I truly feel like this was part of His plan for Maddix and what happened next was supposed to play out the way it did.
After dinner, we all decided to go down to the beach except for Trey who wanted to watch the soccer game and to wait for Maddix to wake up. Since it was a Sunday and Trey and I decided against swimming to keep the day a more sacred day, I didn't go in the bedroom to change into my suit or to put Kohen in his. The backyard had a "fence" of big bushes and a small gate that lead down a large staircase to the beach below, so the from the beach the backyard isn't visible. My dad and Mindy had already left to go down to the beach and were a few hundred feet ahead of me on the beach. I was carrying Kohen and I kept hearing someone yelling behind me, so I kept turning around and didn't see anything and continued walking. I heard someone yelling again and turned around to see Jordyn's friend, Davis running toward me so I slowed down thinking she was just running to catch up with us. But then I saw her face. Something was wrong. I will never forget her face and she said, "Maddix isn't breathing." I turned around and screamed at my dad and rushed Kohen to Mindy so I could run back. I took off running as fast as I could and I prayed. I prayed harder than I have ever prayed in my life. My dad caught up to me and ran back with me and I told him to pray. The whole way back I kept saying, "Save him. Save him, I know you can. Please, save him." I scrambled up the staircase and up the back porch and walked in the door. I dropped to the ground. Trey had Maddix on the floor giving him CPR and my sister had 911 on the phone and they were giving Trey instructions. I knew at that moment that my baby wasn't going to make it.
Ever since Maddix was born I felt he was special. His demeanor was so sweet, his spirit was gentle. He was so perfect. I also had a feeling that, for some reason, he wasn't mine to keep. I even mentioned that feeling to Jordyn who thought I was crazy I'm sure. The interesting part of that is I don't remember telling her that. The fire department were the first to get there and they took over trying to resuscitate. When the ambulance finally got there they took worked on Maddix for a few more minutes and then had to take him out to use the equipment in the ambulance. It had been several minutes by the time we left for the hospital, too long to have much hope. Trey rode in the ambulance and I rode with my dad and Jordyn and I told them (not realizing I already had told Jordyn months prior to this) on the way about that feeling I had, that I always knew something would happen to Maddix. We got to the ER and a nurse prepared me for what I would see when I walked in. I didn't care how scary it was I just wanted to hold my baby's hand. I walked in and he was connected to machines and had a tube down his throat and they were pumping him full of medication. I took his small hand and I talked to him. "Mommy's here, baby, I'm here, come on Maddix you can do this." Over and over and over. Listening to the nurses, "It's been 2 minutes since the last Epi dose," "How much more can we give?" "It's time for more," "silence that machine," "We are pumping his heart for him, we are doing all we can." Several minutes passed like that. I decided to pray and I said to my Father in Heaven, who I trust, who I know had the power to save that baby, but who I also know has His own plan for each and every one of His children, "Father, I know you can save him, but if you need me to go through losing him, I will, I have faith, just take him quickly so this can end. But if it's your will, PLEASE save him." Finally the doctor came by my side to let me know they had done all they could and it was time to say goodbye to my son. That precious child who grew inside me for nine months, who I was SO excited to meet. That baby who was so good tempered, who only cried when he was hungry or wanted to be held. That baby who I help so much, who I slept with every night. Who I wanted to badly to nurse and had such a hard time at first breastfeeding, but fought through pain and tears and engorgement because it meant to much to me to have that special mommy bonding time. That baby who I fell so deeply in love with. Who was adored by his daddy, his wonderful daddy who could make him laugh and smile so easily. Who was adored by his big brother who I loved to watch with him and see Maddix stare in awe at his awesome big brother and smile at him when he kissed his head and who asked every morning when I got him out of his crib, "Baby?" That sweet, perfect baby who would stare at me while I talked on the phone and I would look down and he would be smiling at me! My Maddix, who was too perfect and too pure for this world, I had to say goodbye to him and hold him one last time. I picked him up, and had the thought, "He's so big." How had three months gone by so fast? As I held him in my arms, I thanked him for being so perfect and I promised him I would make it back to him and live with him for eternity. I told him to kiss his grandma for me. And I laid him down for the last time.
Numbness, then pain, then numbness then pain. That's how the next few hours went. They had to do an investigation because he didn't pass away under a doctor's care. They would also have to do a full autopsy. I understood the logic behind it, but I was angry. I was mad they thought Trey or I could hurt our baby. I was mad that they would defile his perfect body. When that was all over we had to face it. He was gone. We dreaded having to tell people, that would make it too real. Going to bed that night was completely terrible. No one should have to see their husband, who they look to for strength and love so much, cry uncontrollably from so much grief. But then he had to watch me do the same. I'm so thankful I have Trey. He is my rock and I love him SO much. He is the only other person on earth who understands the extent of my loss of our son.
I said before that we were prepared for this in small ways. And I know we were. The fact that it happened in Hawaii was difficult, but a tender mercy because I wasn't home alone in our basement apartment with Kohen when Maddix died. I didn't have to find him. I HATE that Trey had to find him, but I know he could handle it better than I would've. The movie at the temple that reminded me how TRUE God's plan for families is. I have met people, months and years ago who have suffered losing a child who have given me strength. I even reconnected with a friend of my mom's, who I haven't spoken to in years, only weeks before this happened who also lost a child in a similar way. Everything happened horribly perfectly, if it had to happen at all. We were prepared spiritually, we were prepared temporally. And people around us were prepared to help us. We were not prepared, however, for the amount of overwhelming, strengthening power of the prayers and love that were sent our way. I have never before physically felt strengthened by prayers. We could feel them, strongly. So many texts, messages, cards, prayers, thoughts, donations, acts of service from SO many people. We have been so humbled by all those who have showed their love. We can't sufficiently thank you all enough. We know God put each of you in our lives to help us through this difficult time. And you truly have helped us. We are SO humbled.
My life has been changed forever. I am not the same person I was a month ago. I never will be the same person. To experience such a loss changes a person. Sometimes that change is detrimental. Sometimes that change is for the better. As for me and for Trey? It has been for the better. My faith in God has been strengthened, where some would be angry and hateful. My belief that He is real, that He loves me, that He is sad for my pain has grown to be knowledge. My gratitude for Jesus Christ's sacrifice of His own life has overwhelmed me and cast away any doubt that I will be with my mom and Maddix again. I feel like Maddix was sent to me to teach me that life can't be planned out, and that if it doesn't go according to plan, I need to remember "Not my will, but Thine be done." I want to share with the world the knowledge and testimony that I have that God and Jesus Christ live! That we each have a purpose in this life. That They want us to return to them. They love us, they care for us, they know us. They rejoice in our happiness, they mourn for our grief. God sent His son to earth to be crucified for the pains, sins, and ailments of the world and to conquer death so that we can do the same. I have absolutely no doubt in that. I remember thinking that I didn't want to be there person who had to go through this trial, but Christ was afraid of what he had to do for us and asked the Father, "if thou be willing, remove this cup from me; nevertheless not my will, but Thine, be done." If He was willing to go through the immense suffering that He did for all of us, then I am willing to go through this trial, too if it is what God intends for me. My only hope from this experience is that I can help someone in need. That I can influence someone's life for the better, or even just give hope. If someone is reading this who feels despair, know there is a God who loves you and wants you to be happy, we only need to ask for His help. I know this is true.
If you would like to know more about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints visit Mormon.org or LDS.org. If you have questions and would like to contact the LDS missionaries, please email me at kelsey.guernsey08@gmail.com and I can direct you to them. The message of my religion brings hope, peace, and clarity.
Kohen is 2! We had a huge party for him and Trey since their bdays are two days apart. It was the day before Maddix's blessing and boy did we have a lot of people come and support us. It was overwhelming seeing how many people love us and were happy to come celebrate with us. We are so so blessed. We were supposed to have the party at a park but of course that was the one day it rained like it hasn't in a long time so we crammed about 40 people into our basement apartment. It was a "mustache bash" theme. So much fun. I just can't believe Koko is 2! Well, I take that back... I CAN believe it because we have hit the terrible twos and its a new adventure for sure. He can speak in almost full sentences, but then he will revert back to point and something and saying "ehhh." Goofball. He loves airplanes! He loves cars, bikes, books, watching movies, and he LOVES to play outside. He has quite a few little friends in our ward, most of them are girls. Actually all of them are girls but one. So he has played princess dress up a few times haha! He really loves to take baths and asks me a few times a day to take a bath. He is a tricky eater, some days he eats as much as I do and others it takes an hour to convince him to eat his lunch. He is so much fun and really so sweet and happy. He likes to go to nursery on Sunday and all the moms tell me that he helps the younger kids find toys and he shows them around. My heart swells when I hear that. And then he smacks me in the face and brings me back to reality haha! When he gets tired he has these crazy violent outbursts and hit and pinches your face. It is really hard to know what to do to discipline him because he doesn't respond to time out and he doesn't listen when I yell. I'm telling you, motherhood is hard! But so wonderful. I sound crazy don't I? All you moms get it though.
Sometimes life is really hard and crappy. Sometimes I want to just hide in a closet and cry. Sometimes I get really angry that things have happened and that my life isn't perfect. But HOW GRATEFUL I am for the trials I go through because they bring me closer to God and they make me a stronger person. I feel like a very weak person a lot of the time, but I'm so thankful I can pray to Heavenly Father and He can comfort me and give me strength when I need it. I'm grateful for the people He put in my life to help me through difficult days. I am thankful for my amazing husband who is so patient with me and who I don't deserve most days. He is really my best friend and rock and I love him more every day! I'm so grateful for my Nanny who lets me call her and vent to her over dumb things and who always makes my day brighter. She is one of my biggest blessings. I'm thankful for my family, even though we aren't perfect and we struggle a lot, I'm thankful for them, for my dad and siblings and all they do for me. Family is the most important thing to me. Value your relationships and nurture them because you never know when you could lose one. I need to take my own advice a lot of the time. But really, life is short and we need to love more.
