Counting My Blessings...

GRR.

Today is one of those days where I'm being really selfish and complaining a lot.  I hate these kinds of days.  So I'm going to vent a little, then I'm going to be positive and tell you some things I realized just before writing this.  So feel free to skip the following paragraph if you don't want to hear my pathetic ranting.

Its almost 5:30 on a Friday night and I'm pouting because Trey isn't home yet.  He has been working a lot lately and with me going to school at night and trying to get to bed at a decent hour to wake up to do it all over again, it feels like I don't see him that much.  We only have one car so its very hard to stay entertained in our basement apartment with Kohen.  Nap time is golden time for me to get things done since my little toddler is quite demanding of attention (which I don't mind, its just hard to get homework done otherwise).  So I feel a little trapped.  It was rainy/snowy today so that ruled out walking to the park which has been so nice to be able to do lately.  So needless to say I'm a little stir crazy, and since it is Friday I have a whole weeks worth of craziness built up.  I'm kind of sad because usually this time of year is one I absolutely love and look forward to, but I'm not feeling that this year.  I'm sure some of you reading this are sick of hearing how much I miss my mom, but I DO. SO MUCH.  I still feel like there has been too much change all at once and I don't know how to cope with it all.  It's not necessarily BAD change, just a lot of it.  BLAH!! Ok, I feel better.  

SO! Here is where I hit myself on the forehead and snap out of it.  So I'm having an off day, I can bet there is someone reading this who thinks I just super pathetic because they are going through something I can't even begin to comprehend.  This week I have been listening to a radio series on The Mormon Channel (www.mormonchannel.com) called Enduring it Well and OH MY GOSH it has changed my whole outlook on life.  Each episode is about someone who has gone through an enormous challenge in their life and how they have dealt with it through faith.  It is amazing.  I highly recommend it to anyone who needs to be reminded of the blessings they have in their life and that the trials we all go through are to make us stronger.  I know I needed that reminder this week.  So if you're cleaning your house, or driving in your car (there is a Mormon Channel app), or just have some free time to listen, DO IT.  HERE is the link, it will take you right to the page!  Anyway, On Facebook and Instagram a lot of people have been saying one thing they are thankful for each day.  I admit I've thought about doing it, but in my stubborn pride I haven't.  How lame is that? Part of me knows I won't remember to do it every day and the other part is like "who the heck cares? Just try to do it."  *BIG SIGH* So I'm going to kind of make up for it right now because I need to do it for myself.

A few quick ones... I am thankful to have a house to clean.  I hate cleaning.  But as I looked out the window today at the snow and rain, I am thankful to have a house to clean.  I'm thankful to be able to get an education.  I'm thankful to have maternity clothes.  I'm thankful to have food to cook.  I'm thankful Trey is patient on the days I don't cook haha.  I'm thankful for the snow and its beauty.  I'm thankful for friends who make me laugh.  I'm thankful for showers!!!  I'm thankful for the talents God has blessed me with.

I'm thankful for my family.  I'm thankful for my Dad, who is the strongest person I know.  I'm thankful for my sister, who has lost her mom, gained a stepmom, tore her ACL and MCL her senior year volleyball season, who can't play soccer because of that, and who has kept her faith and good attitude through it all!  All within a year and a half.  I'm thankful for my lil bro Ty! I'm thankful for his sense of humor, even through breaking his arm and missing most of his soccer season (what's with all the injuries??) and through some way difficult times, especially for a 15 year old.  The kid deserves mad props :)  I'm thankful for my brother Ben.  I'm thankful for the relationship we've had our whole lives.  I'm thankful for his ability to make me laugh under any circumstance.  I love these people. SO. MUCH.  So much that it hurts my heart!  I'm thankful for the new addition to our family this year, in our new stepmom Mindy, and her adorable son Morgan who loves Kohen just like his own blood related nephew, and for her beautiful niece Brooklyn. I know they came into our lives for a reason and I know it wasn't by accident.

I am thankful for my dads parents, Nanny and Grandpa.  They have taken such amazing care of us all even though they were facing the same heartache we were.  Thank you both for you love and devotion!  Nanny and I have always had a special connection.  Maybe because I'm her oldest (blood) grandchild, but for some reason we have always had a very special relationship, one that has blossomed even more in the past year and a half.  I have an amazing family who has been through a lot.  But it is hard to be away from them.  Sometimes I feel like I live on a different continent instead of two states over.  But Nanny has kept me sane.  My family is busy busy busy, and I know they think of me, and I think of them everyday and I'm so grateful for FaceTime that allows us to see each other!  But I sometimes feel out of the loop.  Nanny is my link to them when I can't reach them.  She knows what's happening.  I'm so thankful for her kind heart, for her wisdom, for her sense of humor!  I'm thankful that she listens to me when I need a good cry. I'm thankful that she gets me.  I'm thankful that even though I lost the one person who I need more than ever, that I have someone who loves me just as much and who truly helps heal the hole in my heart where my mom was.  I love you Nanny more than you know.  Thank you for being my rock!!  

I am thankful for Trey's job.  If you could hear me say that you would notice my struggle to get it out.  And I know how ungrateful that sounds.  But I really am thankful for it.  I get to see him everyday.  I get to be a stay at home mom.  I don't have to worry if we are going to be able to pay our bills this month, instead we are blessed enough to have extra money at the end of each month to save for a second car, to build an emergency fund, to save up for the expenses of our baby, to have been able to pay off our car in less than a year, and to be out of debt!  So even though Trey answers his phone 28374930 times after work, and has to stay up late emailing, or has to do night audits a few times a week after working 10 hour days, I am grateful that we don't have the stress or worry that comes with not having a job, or having thousands in debt to pay off, or having to go months without seeing him because he is deployed (props to you ladies, I couldn't do it).  I am thankful, and even though it is hard now, I know in ten years I will be truly grateful for these hard years.

I have a few friends and acquaintances that tragically cannot have children or who are having much difficulty getting pregnant, a trial that I can't even imagine having to go through.  My heart truly goes out to those who have to bear that burden.  I am so thankful to be pregnant again and I am so excited to meet my little Maddix boy.  I sometimes doubt myself in thinking I can handle a toddler and a newborn and be a stay at home mom, but then I remember that God gave me this baby because He knows I can handle it.  He thinks I'm strong enough, so I must be right?  I've never been great with kids, I mean I like them and think they are cute, but my sister really got the motherly instincts.  However, I couldn't imagine being anything other than a stay at home mom.  I am SO grateful to be just that and for a Heavenly Father who gives me the strength when I don't feel I have any left.
As I sit here typing this, my beautiful son is watching The Polar Express in his diaper and drinking some milk, while every once in a while he runs over to me and tries to get me off of this thing to play with him.  How blessed am I? SO BLESSED.  He is healthy and strong and smart and SO much fun.  He makes me laugh multiple times a day and gives me so much joy from watching him learn and grow and discover!  I am so beyond grateful to have Kohen as my son and so honored to be his mother.  I learn so much from him everyday.  I sometimes wonder why Heavenly Father allowed ME to be him mom because I feel way to impatient and ungrateful.  But for some remarkable reason He gave him to me to take care of.  I can't imagine my life without him.

I am thankful for my husband.  I am so blessed to have him!  I get emotional as I write this because he has helped me so much since the day I met him.  He is my best friend and the love of my life and I don't deserve him.  Poor guy takes the brunt of my complaining, my crazy preggo hormones, my frustrations, my selfishness, my heartaches, my doubts.  But he sticks by my side through it all.  If I were in his shoes I would've been gone a long time ago because I am not an easy person to put up with!  Not only is he the husband I always dreamed of, but he is an even more amazing father.  I couldn't think of anyone better to spend the rest of eternity with and to help raise a family with.  He is so amazing!  He is good at EVERYTHING he does!  He is such an amazing example of patience and unconditional love.  I am honored to be his wife, for whatever reason he chose me, I am so honored.  I love you Trey.  More than life itself.

Last but not least, I am thankful for my Savior and my Heavenly Father.  I know Heavenly Father loves me, is aware of me, and wants me to be happy.  I know this because He allowed His son to die for me.  Jesus Christ saved my life.  He carries me through my darkest times.  He knows my pains, my sufferings, my frustrations, my self doubt.  He understands me, and most amazingly He takes those things from me so I can bear them.  He is my rock, my salvation.  I owe him everything.  I know He died and took upon the sins of the world for ME and for everyone.  I know I will see my mom again because of His sacrifice.  I know He lives! I know He loves me.

Wow. I feel better.  I'm sure those reading this have a headache after all that.  But I am thankful I have this blog to allow me to get all these crazy feelings down so I don't completely lose it!  I am going to go watch a movie with my boy while we wait for daddy to get home.  And then I'm going to make him take us to Texas Roadhouse. HAHA!!

Baby 2 will be swaddled in BLUE!

Yesterday we got some fantastic news! We are having another BOY!!! Holy. Cow. We were watching the screen during the ultrasound and the tech asked if we could tell what it was... 

No doubt right?! I loved seeing Trey light up with excitement! Haha I would've bet money we were having a girl, I didn't care what we had but I really thought I was a girl. I'm in no way disappointed, I guess we just must have a little girl waiting still :) BUT I can't even begin to express how excited I am for this little boy to come! It really hit me yesterday once we knew it was a boy. I just kept laughing because I seriously thought it was a girl! I was surprised for sure but I was immediately overjoyed. I think I'm more excited for this baby than I was when I was pregnant with kohen, probably because I know more of what to expect and it's the best thing ever!  I know what it feels like to love your child and that love just grows and grows! 

We loved the name Maddix when we were trying to find names for Kohen until we found "Kohen" and decided our next son would be Maddix.  Oliver is my dads mom's, my Nanny's, maiden name.  Kohens middle name is Daniel after Treys dad, so we wanted Maddix to have a middle name related to my side, but (no offense dad) Maddix Robben, and Maddix Arthur just didn't quite flow. So then I thought of my Nanny who I've always adored and since her Oliver bloods runs through my dads body too I thought we could honor them both by giving him the middle name Oliver! My great grandpa Ben Oliver was such a great man and a strong man too, I really wish I could've known him before he died (I was about one whe he died) and I think those are great attributes to be named after as well! Plus don't you just think of a cute little British boy with suspenders and a baret when you hear that name?! Haha! So Maddix Oliver it is :)

The love I have for kohen and for being a mom is overwhelming sometimes because of how strong it is. I've never been great with kids and before I had kohen I was scared because I thought I would be annoyed and irritated all the time (don't get me wrong, kohen knows how to push my buttons at times) but the love overpowers all the hard parts so drastically. I love being a mom! I love playing with kohen and teaching him things and watching him grow. It seriously being me so much happiness! And now I get to have ANOTHER little boy! And kohen gets to be a big brother!! I can't even describe how excited I am! Before yesterday I was pretty nervous about having another kid. I was super worried I wouldn't be able to handle it, but now it's real. Now I know it's a boy named Maddix who is waiting to come into this world to add to our happiness! I know it will be harder. I know it will get overwhelming at times. I might call some of you reading this in desperation, but I know it will be ok because just like the love I have for kohen overpowers the hard parts, the love I already have for Maddix overpowers the scary parts now. I am so so so blessed. I couldn't be happier. How grateful I am to have my family and to see it grow and to learn from it all! There is nothing I would rather have or do. Who knew you could love three boys so much at the same time?! Man, I've got it good!!