For those who never go the full story, my mom died almost 5 months ago (in 6 days it will be 5 months). She was diagnosed with stage four melanoma, and passed away two weeks after her diagnosis. She had been really sick since around the time I got there in the end of March and she went to the doctor and they just couldn't seem to figure out what was wrong. They thought it was gastritis, they thought it was stress, they gave her medication, but nothing was working. Finally, they did a CT scan and found spots on her liver and lungs, and later two blood clots in her lungs, and finally a tumor on her lung. After a couple of biopsies and a lot of time in the hospital, and after I had come back to Utah to be with Trey, they diagnosed her. It was the second worst day of my life, the first being the day it actually hit me that she was gone from this life.
Now, some of you who are reading this might not have known my mom. Let me tell you about her. She was the most amazing woman I have ever known and will ever know. She was always thinking of others, especially us kids. Here is an example, they day after I had Kohen she was really really sick. I didn't know this until later, because she got ready, went and bought me flowers and a little pretty cake and came to visit me in the hospital. You would have never known she was sick. She looked especially beautiful that day, I remember thinking that when she came in the room. But that is just how she was, she would put on her big girl pants and get to work. There were over 400 hundred people at her funeral, some who traveled from out of state even. The "theme," if I may call it that, of her funeral was her sense of humor and her service to others. I've never cried or laughed more in my life than at her funeral. It was such a beautiful service. And I want to take a moment to thank everyone who was there to support my family in such a difficult time. You have no idea what your love and support means to us. My mom probably never knew HOW MANY lives she impacted, until that day. I know she was watching and thinking "Wow... ALL of those people are there for me?" and I know she was so grateful that we had so many friends and so much family there to help carry us through that day.
Some of you who were there probably noticed that we didn't cry much. And this has been on my mind for a while, and I feel that I need to share why we didn't, because I now understand why. A wonderful friend of mine sent me a message the day after my mom died. I want to share part of it because she explains it perfectly.
"I remember when my sister died, we just wanted to be together as a family and it bonded us in a way that nothing else in the world could. It also helped so much to have a special spirit surrounding our home--I think Heavenly Father always sends that when he knows we have lost something priceless to us. It was like a bubble that protected us in a special way and kind of took away some of the sting. It was a really sacred time. It was so tangible that I still remember the day that I didn't feel it anymore and that was kind of hard. But it comes at the right time and we are so much stronger for it."
I experienced that exact thing, and I think my family would agree. We didn't cry a lot because we were being "protected" with that bubble. I remember that early morning when my dad came in to tell me and my sister that my mom was gone. He didn't have to say anything. He opened the door, and we woke up and I just looked at him... and I knew. He came and laid down by me and Jordyn and we all held each other and cried for a minute before he had to go back out and take care of everything. After he left, Jordyn and I just started talking about what my mom was experiencing at that exact moment. We talked about the wonderful, beautiful welcome she was probably receiving, and all the people who were there to greet her and hug her. And we had that spirit come over us and we only felt peace. It is so hard to explain, and probably difficult to understand if you haven't experienced it. But I KNOW my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ carried me through that most difficult time in my life. I, too, remember the day I didn't feel that peace anymore. It was SO incredibly hard to bear. It wasn't until I was home, back in Utah, that it hit me. I didn't have my mom to talk to anymore. I talked to her everyday. EVERY DAY. There were so many times I almost picked up my phone to call her and ask her a question, or tell her about Kohen, or to vent to her, or to ask her advice, or just to tell her something funny. And I couldn't. And I can't. And I still have such a hard time with it. For a long time I was sad, then mad, then sad, then really really sad. And It wasn't fair and it isn't fair. And sometimes it just hits me all over again and I lose it, and sometimes its at really inconvenient times, like getting ready for school right after I put my eye makeup on, or I will hear a song on the radio that reminds me of her, or at church when I am teaching my primary class. But, I don't think that is ever going to stop. I am ALWAYS going to miss my mom. She was the BEST mom. She was the BEST friend. I miss her so, so, so, so much.
So now here is the happy part :) I HAVE to tell you, anyone who reads this, how I am doing now. Most of you know I am a mormon. Actually, the proper name for my church is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Mormon is just a nick name for us. We call our selves LDS for Latter Day Saints. Anyway, in our church we believe that families can be together forever! When we are married, we get sealed to each other in the temple, and that binds us together for eternity! My parents were married for time and eternity in the Salt Lake temple, and because of that, all of us kids were automatically sealed to them as well. SO. If we live righteously and keep God's commandments and the promises we made him when we were baptized and when we went through the temple, we can all be with my mom again! FOREVER. I KNOW I will see my mom again. I've had some very sacred confirmations that she is actively working on the other side, and that she is STILL a huge part of my life and my family's life. And this is such a wonderful comfort to me. In the scriptures is says that this life is only a fleeting moment in the eyes of God and in comparison to eternity. It doesn't seem like it right now, but I can't wait to look back and say "I made it." My faith, my religion has been the biggest reason I am ok today. We also believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross after he took our sins upon him in the Garden of Gethsemane. We call this the Atonement. Not only does this allow us to repent and be forgiven of our sins, but Jesus Christ made it possible for Him to understand our pain, our sorrow, our happiness, and ANYTHING we go through. THIS is how I've healed from losing my mom. My Savior, Jesus Christ, lifted me up and carried my through the MOST difficult thing I have ever gone through. HE is why I live today. I KNOW He lives. I KNOW He loves me and knows me by my name. I KNOW He is there for me when I need him. When no one can understand my pain, HE is there. I LOVE HIM. I know Him. I am SO grateful for Him. I am stronger because of this tragic thing that for whatever reason my family had to go through. For whatever reason God needed my mom back with Him, I am stronger. I still don't understand why it had to happen, I still think it isn't fair, but I have faith that one day it will be made right. One day I will be able to hug my mom again and tell her to her face HOW MUCH I LOVE HER. And the same goes for Jesus Christ. I am going to live my life the way I need to so I can look them BOTH in the eyes and tell them how grateful I am for their examples, for their love, and for everything they have done for me to make me who I am today. I'm still going to have trials, I'm still going to miss my mom, I'm still going to struggle with many things, but that is what this life is for. To grow, to learn, and to come to know God and our Savior so we can put everything into their hands and let them bless us, and let them carry us through our hard times. I KNOW that is true. Without any doubt :)
This song never really touched me like it does now. This song perfectly explains how I feel about my Savior.
"And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon thearock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your bfoundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty cstorm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall." Helaman 5:12
