"Not my will, but Thine, be done"

I'm not sure quite how to start this.  I have a lot of things on my mind and a lot of emotions that feel overwhelming a lot of the time.  We have shared Maddix's story to some of our friends in person, but I'm sure a lot of you would like to know what exactly happened and posting it once is a lot easier than telling it over and over.  I don't mind telling people because I want to talk about Maddix, and I want to remember him and keep him a part of our family, but it is a very emotional story for me.

Before I tell the story I need to say that even though losing a child has been my worst nightmare, I know that God prepared me for this trial in my life.  I have had so many experiences and witnesses that prove to me that God is real, He is aware of my suffering, and He has blessed me with the resources I need to get through this, number one being allowing His own son to die for all of us and take upon the sins and sorrows of the world so that we can rely on Him when we have our own pain and suffering.  God is real.  Jesus Christ is His son and He lives! He loves me and has carried me and my family through this unthinkable tragedy.  I know many people reading this don't have the same faith or beliefs I do, so some of the things I share may come off as strange or crazy or may even seem just like coincidences, but I know without any doubt that God has a hand in my life and has a plan for me, for my family, and for Maddix.

For months we looked forward to our vacation in Hawaii.  We went with my dad, step-mom Mindy, my sister Jordyn, her two friends Davis and Haley, my brother Tyler, my step-brother Morgan, and Mindy's niece Brooklyn for Jordyn's graduation trip.  We had gone the summer before my senior year and loved it so much so I was so excited for this trip.  My dad's step-sister and her husband own a beach house on the north shore of Oahu and its such a beautiful place!  The next door neighbor also had a studio apartment where Trey and our family were going to stay.  We arrived on the Friday before Father's Day and went swimming that evening.  On Saturday we had a fun day at Hanauma Bay snorkeling and getting fried in the sun.  It was absolutely gorgeous.  I took a minute to send my Nanny a message when we got back to the house and part of is said,

 "Kohen LOVES the ocean!!! He woke up this morning saying "agua? Ready? Come on!" Haha!!! So cute. We may have to move here. I haven't felt this happy in a long time! It's nice to have Trey all to myself it's wonderful!!!!! "

How crazy that I went from such immense happiness to the most grief I've ever experience in just 24 hours.  Life is short.  Life is precious.  The next day, Father's day, we went to the Laie, Hawaii LDS temple.  Temples are such sacred places for Mormons.  This is where we get married and sealed for time and all eternity, and we believe if we do as we are taught that we will indeed be together with our families for eternity.  We took some time to take pictures and walk around the beautiful grounds and it was truly beautiful.  Before we left a missionary came out of the visitor's center and suggested that we watch a movie that they had on families.  The movie followed a family through losing a grandfather and who they dealt with it and showed their faith that they would see him again.  I was so emotional throughout the entire thing, and I thought it was because of the recent two year anniversary of my mom's passing.  But after the presentation I had the distinct thought that I had no doubt God has a plan for us and that families can be forever.  I cherish that experience so much.  I feel as though I needed that reminder before I could experience what was ahead.  After visiting the temple we went home and changed our clothes to go on a hike.  It was a beautiful day and a gorgeous hike up to a waterfall.  It was a great day and we were all ready for dinner by the time we got home.

Around 4:30 I fed Maddix and went in to put him down for a nap.  Since Kohen and Maddix both needed naps during the day we decided to let Jordyn and her friends stay in the studio apartment and we took the extra room so that we could still visit with our family while the kids napped.  In the bedroom there were two twin beds that we pushed together.  We had all slept fine on them the night before and we didn't even think it was an issue to let Maddix sleep on the bed for his naps because he always napped on our bed.  I laid him at the head of the bed sideways, because if he moved he wouldn't fall off the bed.  This really wasn't a thought, however, because he didn't know how to roll over.  Or so we thought.  I checked on him about a half hour later while we were getting dinner ready and he was fine, breathing, and in the same spot I had put him in.  During dinner, I said how great of a nap Maddix was taking, and usually when either of our boys sleep longer than normal Trey or I say "we should go check on them," but that day the thought didn't even cross our minds to check on him. Maybe because we had been off our normal schedule and we were just happy he was getting in a good nap.  I have a feeling that God kept us from having that thought because I truly feel like this was part of His plan for Maddix and what happened next was supposed to play out the way it did.

After dinner, we all decided to go down to the beach except for Trey who wanted to watch the soccer game and to wait for Maddix to wake up.  Since it was a Sunday and Trey and I decided against swimming to keep the day a more sacred day, I didn't go in the bedroom to change into my suit or to put Kohen in his.  The backyard had a "fence" of big bushes and a small gate that lead down a large staircase to the beach below, so the from the beach the backyard isn't visible.  My dad and Mindy had already left to go down to the beach and were a few hundred feet ahead of me on the beach.  I was carrying Kohen and I kept hearing someone yelling behind me, so I kept turning around and didn't see anything and continued walking.  I heard someone yelling again and turned around to see Jordyn's friend, Davis running toward me so I slowed down thinking she was just running to catch up with us.  But then I saw her face.  Something was wrong.  I will never forget her face and she said, "Maddix isn't breathing."  I turned around and screamed at my dad and rushed Kohen to Mindy so I could run back.  I took off running as fast as I could and I prayed.  I prayed harder than I have ever prayed in my life.  My dad caught up to me and ran back with me and I told him to pray.  The whole way back I kept saying, "Save him. Save him, I know you can.  Please, save him."  I scrambled up the staircase and up the back porch and walked in the door.  I dropped to the ground.  Trey had Maddix on the floor giving him CPR and my sister had 911 on the phone and they were giving Trey instructions.  I knew at that moment that my baby wasn't going to make it.

Ever since Maddix was born I felt he was special.  His demeanor was so sweet, his spirit was gentle.  He was so perfect.  I also had a feeling that, for some reason, he wasn't mine to keep.  I even mentioned that feeling to Jordyn who thought I was crazy I'm sure.  The interesting part of that is I don't remember telling her that.  The fire department were the first to get there and they took over trying to resuscitate. When the ambulance finally got there they took worked on Maddix for a few more minutes and then had to take him out to use the equipment in the ambulance.  It had been several minutes by the time we left for the hospital, too long to have much hope.  Trey rode in the ambulance and I rode with my dad and Jordyn and I told them (not realizing I already had told Jordyn months prior to this) on the way about that feeling I had, that I always knew something would happen to Maddix.  We got to the ER and a nurse prepared me for what I would see when I walked in.  I didn't care how scary it was I just wanted to hold my baby's hand.  I walked in and he was connected to machines and had a tube down his throat and they were pumping him full of medication.  I took his small hand and I talked to him.  "Mommy's here, baby, I'm here, come on Maddix you can do this."  Over and over and over.  Listening to the nurses, "It's been 2 minutes since the last Epi dose," "How much more can we give?" "It's time for more," "silence that machine," "We are pumping his heart for him, we are doing all we can."  Several minutes passed like that.  I decided to pray and I said to my Father in Heaven, who I trust, who I know had the power to save that baby, but who I also know has His own plan for each and every one of His children, "Father, I know you can save him, but if you need me to go through losing him, I will, I have faith, just take him quickly so this can end.  But if it's your will, PLEASE save him."  Finally the doctor came by my side to let me know they had done all they could and it was time to say goodbye to my son.  That precious child who grew inside me for nine months, who I was SO excited to meet.  That baby who was so good tempered, who only cried when he was hungry or wanted to be held.  That baby who I help so much, who I slept with every night.  Who I wanted to badly to nurse and had such a hard time at first breastfeeding, but fought through pain and tears and engorgement because it meant to much to me to have that special mommy bonding time.  That baby who I fell so deeply in love with.  Who was adored by his daddy, his wonderful daddy who could make him laugh and smile so easily.  Who was adored by his big brother who I loved to watch with him and see Maddix stare in awe at his awesome big brother and smile at him when he kissed his head and who asked every morning when I got him out of his crib, "Baby?"  That sweet, perfect baby who would stare at me while I talked on the phone and I would look down and he would be smiling at me!  My Maddix, who was too perfect and too pure for this world, I had to say goodbye to him and hold him one last time.  I picked him up, and had the thought, "He's so big." How had three months gone by so fast?  As I held him in my arms, I thanked him for being so perfect and I promised him I would make it back to him and live with him for eternity.  I told him to kiss his grandma for me.  And I laid him down for the last time.

Numbness, then pain, then numbness then pain.  That's how the next few hours went.  They had to do an investigation because he didn't pass away under a doctor's care.  They would also have to do a full autopsy.  I understood the logic behind it, but I was angry.  I was mad they thought Trey or I could hurt our baby.  I was mad that they would defile his perfect body. When that was all over we had to face it.  He was gone.  We dreaded having to tell people, that would make it too real.  Going to bed that night was completely terrible.  No one should have to see their husband, who they look to for strength and love so much, cry uncontrollably from so much grief.  But then he had to watch me do the same.  I'm so thankful I have Trey.  He is my rock and I love him SO much.  He is the only other person on earth who understands the extent of my loss of our son.

I said before that we were prepared for this in small ways.  And I know we were.  The fact that it happened in Hawaii was difficult, but a tender mercy because I wasn't home alone in our basement apartment with Kohen when Maddix died.  I didn't have to find him.  I HATE that Trey had to find him, but I know he could handle it better than I would've.  The movie at the temple that reminded me how TRUE God's plan for families is.  I have met people, months and years ago who have suffered losing a child who have given me strength.  I even reconnected with a friend of my mom's, who I haven't spoken to in years, only weeks before this happened who also lost a child in a similar way. Everything happened horribly perfectly, if it had to happen at all.  We were prepared spiritually, we were prepared temporally.  And people around us were prepared to help us.  We were not prepared, however, for the amount of overwhelming, strengthening power of the prayers and love that were sent our way.  I have never before physically felt strengthened by prayers.  We could feel them, strongly.  So many texts, messages, cards, prayers, thoughts, donations, acts of service from SO many people.  We have been so humbled by all those who have showed their love.  We can't sufficiently thank you all enough.  We know God put each of you in our lives to help us through this difficult time.  And you truly have helped us.  We are SO humbled.

My life has been changed forever.  I am not the same person I was a month ago.  I never will be the same person.  To experience such a loss changes a person.  Sometimes that change is detrimental.  Sometimes that change is for the better.  As for me and for Trey?  It has been for the better.  My faith in God has been strengthened, where some would be angry and hateful.  My belief that He is real, that He loves me, that He is sad for my pain has grown to be knowledge.  My gratitude for Jesus Christ's sacrifice of His own life has overwhelmed me and cast away any doubt that I will be with my mom and Maddix again.  I feel like Maddix was sent to me to teach me that life can't be planned out, and that if it doesn't go according to plan, I need to remember "Not my will, but Thine be done." I want to share with the world the knowledge and testimony that I have that God and Jesus Christ live!  That we each have a purpose in this life.  That They want us to return to them.  They love us, they care for us, they know us.  They rejoice in our happiness, they mourn for our grief.  God sent His son to earth to be crucified for the pains, sins, and ailments of the world and to conquer death so that we can do the same.  I have absolutely no doubt in that.  I remember thinking that I didn't want to be there person who had to go through this trial, but Christ was afraid of what he had to do for us and asked the Father, "if thou be willing, remove this cup from me; nevertheless not my will, but Thine, be done."  If He was willing to go through the immense suffering that He did for all of us, then I am willing to go through this trial, too if it is what God intends for me.  My only hope from this experience is that I can help someone in need.  That I can influence someone's life for the better, or even just give hope.  If someone is reading this who feels despair, know there is a God who loves you and wants you to be happy, we only need to ask for His help.  I know this is true.

 If you would like to know more about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints visit Mormon.org or LDS.org.  If you have questions and would like to contact the LDS missionaries, please email me at kelsey.guernsey08@gmail.com and I can direct you to them.  The message of my religion brings hope, peace, and clarity.  

Oh Hi. I'm Kelsey and I haven't blogged in a LONG time.

Well its been like 7 months since my last post.  To say the least, a lot has happened.

But I no longer have the time or energy to catch up in detail so here is the quick run down.

We had Christmas at Trey's mom's house! It was really fun. We stay for about 5 days. It was so fun to watch Kohen open his presents. He was a little tired because he went to bed really late and then Trey (being 5 years old) woke everyone up at 7 haha.  Always a kid at heart.

We had my cousin Greg and his wife Natalie over for New Years Eve for dinner and then our friends Derek and Libby came later.  We were all tired by 11 haha.

Maddix Oliver was born on March 18, 2014.  The delivery was certainly not how I wanted it to go.  My water broke at 6 am and I didn't start contracting on my own.  So around 11 they put me on pitocin. Now, I really wanted to try and have an all natural delivery because I didn't want to be on pitocin.  So there went my plan.  But I tried to avoid and epidural and that didn't happen.  I still wasn't having hard contraction by 3 in the afternoon so they had me on the biggest dose of pit they could give me and then the pain hit.  Holy. Crap. Now, I know a lot of people have different opinions and experiences of birth.  Blah blah blah, I'm convinced that pit makes it so much more painful AND my I had no amniotic fluid so they were dry contractions and that crap hurt.  I might be just a big fat wimp but I lasted like 2 hours and got an epidural.  Best decision ever.  I'm not even wasting time next time.  I really wish I could've done it naturally but I swear the universe was against me and trying to convince me that epidurals are like medicine from heaven. It worked.  Maddix was born at 6:44 pm and the delivery was amazing.  There's no other way to describe it, it was just something I'll never forget.  He came out weighing 7 lbs 7 oz and 20 inches long.  He looked identical to Kohen! Then by the next day he looked completely different.  He is very mellow and easy going.  He is so happy just like his big brother!  He coos and laughs now (2 months old) and at his 2 mo appointment he was 12.12 and 24 inches long. He has little chunky thighs and the cutest smile.  Kohen has been so good with him.  He wakes up every morning asking about "baby" and gives him kisses.  He has only tried to injure him like 4 times, which is a lot less than I thought he would.  Nothing explains the feelings I have for my babies.  They are the greatest blessings.  They bring me so much joy and at the same time test my patience to the point of tears sometimes!  Motherhood is hard! And I swear it just gets harder.  For example, going to the store with one kid used to be a nightmare.  Now its a dream! Two kids is insane!!!!  I don't even want to think about more! But there are those moments through the day where I can't even believe how much I love them.

Kohen is 2! We had a huge party for him and Trey since their bdays are two days apart.  It was the day before Maddix's blessing and boy did we have a lot of people come and support us.  It was overwhelming seeing how many people love us and were happy to come celebrate with us.  We are so so blessed.  We were supposed to have the party at a park but of course that was the one day it rained like it hasn't in a long time so we crammed about 40 people into our basement apartment. It was a "mustache bash" theme.  So much fun.  I just can't believe Koko is 2! Well, I take that back... I CAN believe it because we have hit the terrible twos and its a new adventure for sure.  He can speak in almost full sentences, but then he will revert back to point and something and saying "ehhh."  Goofball.  He loves airplanes! He loves cars, bikes, books, watching movies, and he LOVES to play outside.  He has quite a few little friends in our ward, most of them are girls.  Actually all of them are girls but one.  So he has played princess dress up a few times haha! He really loves to take baths and asks me a few times a day to take a bath.  He is a tricky eater, some days he eats as much as I do and others it takes an hour to convince him to eat his lunch.  He is so much fun and really so sweet and happy.  He likes to go to nursery on Sunday and all the moms tell me that he helps the younger kids find toys and he shows them around.  My heart swells when I hear that.  And then he smacks me in the face and brings me back to reality haha!  When he gets tired he has these crazy violent outbursts and hit and pinches your face.  It is really hard to know what to do to discipline him because he doesn't respond to time out and he doesn't listen when I yell.  I'm telling you, motherhood is hard! But so wonderful.  I sound crazy don't I? All you moms get it though.

 A crazy happening: we went to Vernal this past weekend so Trey could help get a store ready for opening and Kohen was sick.  Well it turned into really bad croup and we had to take him to the ER where they have him breathing treatments and steroids and then had to be monitored over night! Poor kid!  He is doing much better and we are happy that is over with!

Trey is still working working working.  He is over 7 stores right now, but will soon lose two because they are training a new area manager so that will lighten his load a little.  He is over the new store in Vernal and will have to drive out there (3 hours away) once a week and stay over night.  So that will be fun... They do have a town home out there for him to stay in and I can go with him sometimes.  It will be nice to go out there more because a lot of my family on my mom's side and some old friends live out there so I will get to see them more often.  Trey loves his job and does such a great job at it!  We have seriously been so blessed with his job.  He is gone a lot but it will be worth it in the long run.  He is also serving in the Young Men's presidency at church AND is the ward mission leader.  When I say he is gone a lot I'm not exaggerating!! Needless to say I'm excited for next week because Jordyn is graduating on Wednesday and then we are going to Hawaii on Friday for 7 days! I'm so excited.

This time of year is really hard.  Saturday will be the two-year anniversary of my mom's passing.  I miss her still everyday and think of her all the time.  Before I lost her I really didn't understand that losing a loved one doesn't really every get easier.  There are always new sad thoughts, like the other day I realized I will never know my mom when I am older.  She will never be at birthday parties or go on vacations with us.  I still long to call her everyday.  I wish I could tell her about the huge blowout Maddix had when we were at the Zoo and how Kohen freaked out yesterday at the store and scratched the top of Maddix's head.  I wish I could tell her how great of an example she is to me and how now that I am a mom myself I realize just HOW AMAZING of a mom she was.  I wish I didn't take her for granted so much.  I wish I could just hug her and tell her thanks for all she did for me.  In some ways it is weird that it has already been two years... but honestly it feel SO much longer.  I know without a doubt that I will see her again, its just so hard that it is so far away.  People often tell me how like her I am, and although that really is the greatest compliment I could have receive, I am so far from being like her.  If I could be half the person she was I would be happy.  I miss her SO MUCH.

Sometimes life is really hard and crappy.  Sometimes I want to just hide in a closet and cry.  Sometimes I get really angry that things have happened and that my life isn't perfect.  But HOW GRATEFUL I am for the trials I go through because they bring me closer to God and they make me a stronger person.  I feel like a very weak person a lot of the time, but I'm so thankful I can pray to Heavenly Father and He can comfort me and give me strength when I need it.  I'm grateful for the people He put in my life to help me through difficult days.  I am thankful for my amazing husband who is so patient with me and who I don't deserve most days.  He is really my best friend and rock and I love him more every day!  I'm so grateful for my Nanny who lets me call her and vent to her over dumb things and who always makes my day brighter.  She is one of my biggest blessings.  I'm thankful for my family, even though we aren't perfect and we struggle a lot, I'm thankful for them, for my dad and siblings and all they do for me.  Family is the most important thing to me.  Value your relationships and nurture them because you never know when you could lose one.  I need to take my own advice a lot of the time.  But really, life is short and we need to love more.


Here are pictures from Maddix's blessing day :)

Now enjoy some adorable pics of my adorable boys

Counting My Blessings...

GRR.

Today is one of those days where I'm being really selfish and complaining a lot.  I hate these kinds of days.  So I'm going to vent a little, then I'm going to be positive and tell you some things I realized just before writing this.  So feel free to skip the following paragraph if you don't want to hear my pathetic ranting.

Its almost 5:30 on a Friday night and I'm pouting because Trey isn't home yet.  He has been working a lot lately and with me going to school at night and trying to get to bed at a decent hour to wake up to do it all over again, it feels like I don't see him that much.  We only have one car so its very hard to stay entertained in our basement apartment with Kohen.  Nap time is golden time for me to get things done since my little toddler is quite demanding of attention (which I don't mind, its just hard to get homework done otherwise).  So I feel a little trapped.  It was rainy/snowy today so that ruled out walking to the park which has been so nice to be able to do lately.  So needless to say I'm a little stir crazy, and since it is Friday I have a whole weeks worth of craziness built up.  I'm kind of sad because usually this time of year is one I absolutely love and look forward to, but I'm not feeling that this year.  I'm sure some of you reading this are sick of hearing how much I miss my mom, but I DO. SO MUCH.  I still feel like there has been too much change all at once and I don't know how to cope with it all.  It's not necessarily BAD change, just a lot of it.  BLAH!! Ok, I feel better.  

SO! Here is where I hit myself on the forehead and snap out of it.  So I'm having an off day, I can bet there is someone reading this who thinks I just super pathetic because they are going through something I can't even begin to comprehend.  This week I have been listening to a radio series on The Mormon Channel (www.mormonchannel.com) called Enduring it Well and OH MY GOSH it has changed my whole outlook on life.  Each episode is about someone who has gone through an enormous challenge in their life and how they have dealt with it through faith.  It is amazing.  I highly recommend it to anyone who needs to be reminded of the blessings they have in their life and that the trials we all go through are to make us stronger.  I know I needed that reminder this week.  So if you're cleaning your house, or driving in your car (there is a Mormon Channel app), or just have some free time to listen, DO IT.  HERE is the link, it will take you right to the page!  Anyway, On Facebook and Instagram a lot of people have been saying one thing they are thankful for each day.  I admit I've thought about doing it, but in my stubborn pride I haven't.  How lame is that? Part of me knows I won't remember to do it every day and the other part is like "who the heck cares? Just try to do it."  *BIG SIGH* So I'm going to kind of make up for it right now because I need to do it for myself.

A few quick ones... I am thankful to have a house to clean.  I hate cleaning.  But as I looked out the window today at the snow and rain, I am thankful to have a house to clean.  I'm thankful to be able to get an education.  I'm thankful to have maternity clothes.  I'm thankful to have food to cook.  I'm thankful Trey is patient on the days I don't cook haha.  I'm thankful for the snow and its beauty.  I'm thankful for friends who make me laugh.  I'm thankful for showers!!!  I'm thankful for the talents God has blessed me with.

I'm thankful for my family.  I'm thankful for my Dad, who is the strongest person I know.  I'm thankful for my sister, who has lost her mom, gained a stepmom, tore her ACL and MCL her senior year volleyball season, who can't play soccer because of that, and who has kept her faith and good attitude through it all!  All within a year and a half.  I'm thankful for my lil bro Ty! I'm thankful for his sense of humor, even through breaking his arm and missing most of his soccer season (what's with all the injuries??) and through some way difficult times, especially for a 15 year old.  The kid deserves mad props :)  I'm thankful for my brother Ben.  I'm thankful for the relationship we've had our whole lives.  I'm thankful for his ability to make me laugh under any circumstance.  I love these people. SO. MUCH.  So much that it hurts my heart!  I'm thankful for the new addition to our family this year, in our new stepmom Mindy, and her adorable son Morgan who loves Kohen just like his own blood related nephew, and for her beautiful niece Brooklyn. I know they came into our lives for a reason and I know it wasn't by accident.

I am thankful for my dads parents, Nanny and Grandpa.  They have taken such amazing care of us all even though they were facing the same heartache we were.  Thank you both for you love and devotion!  Nanny and I have always had a special connection.  Maybe because I'm her oldest (blood) grandchild, but for some reason we have always had a very special relationship, one that has blossomed even more in the past year and a half.  I have an amazing family who has been through a lot.  But it is hard to be away from them.  Sometimes I feel like I live on a different continent instead of two states over.  But Nanny has kept me sane.  My family is busy busy busy, and I know they think of me, and I think of them everyday and I'm so grateful for FaceTime that allows us to see each other!  But I sometimes feel out of the loop.  Nanny is my link to them when I can't reach them.  She knows what's happening.  I'm so thankful for her kind heart, for her wisdom, for her sense of humor!  I'm thankful that she listens to me when I need a good cry. I'm thankful that she gets me.  I'm thankful that even though I lost the one person who I need more than ever, that I have someone who loves me just as much and who truly helps heal the hole in my heart where my mom was.  I love you Nanny more than you know.  Thank you for being my rock!!  

I am thankful for Trey's job.  If you could hear me say that you would notice my struggle to get it out.  And I know how ungrateful that sounds.  But I really am thankful for it.  I get to see him everyday.  I get to be a stay at home mom.  I don't have to worry if we are going to be able to pay our bills this month, instead we are blessed enough to have extra money at the end of each month to save for a second car, to build an emergency fund, to save up for the expenses of our baby, to have been able to pay off our car in less than a year, and to be out of debt!  So even though Trey answers his phone 28374930 times after work, and has to stay up late emailing, or has to do night audits a few times a week after working 10 hour days, I am grateful that we don't have the stress or worry that comes with not having a job, or having thousands in debt to pay off, or having to go months without seeing him because he is deployed (props to you ladies, I couldn't do it).  I am thankful, and even though it is hard now, I know in ten years I will be truly grateful for these hard years.

I have a few friends and acquaintances that tragically cannot have children or who are having much difficulty getting pregnant, a trial that I can't even imagine having to go through.  My heart truly goes out to those who have to bear that burden.  I am so thankful to be pregnant again and I am so excited to meet my little Maddix boy.  I sometimes doubt myself in thinking I can handle a toddler and a newborn and be a stay at home mom, but then I remember that God gave me this baby because He knows I can handle it.  He thinks I'm strong enough, so I must be right?  I've never been great with kids, I mean I like them and think they are cute, but my sister really got the motherly instincts.  However, I couldn't imagine being anything other than a stay at home mom.  I am SO grateful to be just that and for a Heavenly Father who gives me the strength when I don't feel I have any left.
As I sit here typing this, my beautiful son is watching The Polar Express in his diaper and drinking some milk, while every once in a while he runs over to me and tries to get me off of this thing to play with him.  How blessed am I? SO BLESSED.  He is healthy and strong and smart and SO much fun.  He makes me laugh multiple times a day and gives me so much joy from watching him learn and grow and discover!  I am so beyond grateful to have Kohen as my son and so honored to be his mother.  I learn so much from him everyday.  I sometimes wonder why Heavenly Father allowed ME to be him mom because I feel way to impatient and ungrateful.  But for some remarkable reason He gave him to me to take care of.  I can't imagine my life without him.

I am thankful for my husband.  I am so blessed to have him!  I get emotional as I write this because he has helped me so much since the day I met him.  He is my best friend and the love of my life and I don't deserve him.  Poor guy takes the brunt of my complaining, my crazy preggo hormones, my frustrations, my selfishness, my heartaches, my doubts.  But he sticks by my side through it all.  If I were in his shoes I would've been gone a long time ago because I am not an easy person to put up with!  Not only is he the husband I always dreamed of, but he is an even more amazing father.  I couldn't think of anyone better to spend the rest of eternity with and to help raise a family with.  He is so amazing!  He is good at EVERYTHING he does!  He is such an amazing example of patience and unconditional love.  I am honored to be his wife, for whatever reason he chose me, I am so honored.  I love you Trey.  More than life itself.

Last but not least, I am thankful for my Savior and my Heavenly Father.  I know Heavenly Father loves me, is aware of me, and wants me to be happy.  I know this because He allowed His son to die for me.  Jesus Christ saved my life.  He carries me through my darkest times.  He knows my pains, my sufferings, my frustrations, my self doubt.  He understands me, and most amazingly He takes those things from me so I can bear them.  He is my rock, my salvation.  I owe him everything.  I know He died and took upon the sins of the world for ME and for everyone.  I know I will see my mom again because of His sacrifice.  I know He lives! I know He loves me.

Wow. I feel better.  I'm sure those reading this have a headache after all that.  But I am thankful I have this blog to allow me to get all these crazy feelings down so I don't completely lose it!  I am going to go watch a movie with my boy while we wait for daddy to get home.  And then I'm going to make him take us to Texas Roadhouse. HAHA!!

Baby 2 will be swaddled in BLUE!

Yesterday we got some fantastic news! We are having another BOY!!! Holy. Cow. We were watching the screen during the ultrasound and the tech asked if we could tell what it was... 

No doubt right?! I loved seeing Trey light up with excitement! Haha I would've bet money we were having a girl, I didn't care what we had but I really thought I was a girl. I'm in no way disappointed, I guess we just must have a little girl waiting still :) BUT I can't even begin to express how excited I am for this little boy to come! It really hit me yesterday once we knew it was a boy. I just kept laughing because I seriously thought it was a girl! I was surprised for sure but I was immediately overjoyed. I think I'm more excited for this baby than I was when I was pregnant with kohen, probably because I know more of what to expect and it's the best thing ever!  I know what it feels like to love your child and that love just grows and grows! 

We loved the name Maddix when we were trying to find names for Kohen until we found "Kohen" and decided our next son would be Maddix.  Oliver is my dads mom's, my Nanny's, maiden name.  Kohens middle name is Daniel after Treys dad, so we wanted Maddix to have a middle name related to my side, but (no offense dad) Maddix Robben, and Maddix Arthur just didn't quite flow. So then I thought of my Nanny who I've always adored and since her Oliver bloods runs through my dads body too I thought we could honor them both by giving him the middle name Oliver! My great grandpa Ben Oliver was such a great man and a strong man too, I really wish I could've known him before he died (I was about one whe he died) and I think those are great attributes to be named after as well! Plus don't you just think of a cute little British boy with suspenders and a baret when you hear that name?! Haha! So Maddix Oliver it is :)

The love I have for kohen and for being a mom is overwhelming sometimes because of how strong it is. I've never been great with kids and before I had kohen I was scared because I thought I would be annoyed and irritated all the time (don't get me wrong, kohen knows how to push my buttons at times) but the love overpowers all the hard parts so drastically. I love being a mom! I love playing with kohen and teaching him things and watching him grow. It seriously being me so much happiness! And now I get to have ANOTHER little boy! And kohen gets to be a big brother!! I can't even describe how excited I am! Before yesterday I was pretty nervous about having another kid. I was super worried I wouldn't be able to handle it, but now it's real. Now I know it's a boy named Maddix who is waiting to come into this world to add to our happiness! I know it will be harder. I know it will get overwhelming at times. I might call some of you reading this in desperation, but I know it will be ok because just like the love I have for kohen overpowers the hard parts, the love I already have for Maddix overpowers the scary parts now. I am so so so blessed. I couldn't be happier. How grateful I am to have my family and to see it grow and to learn from it all! There is nothing I would rather have or do. Who knew you could love three boys so much at the same time?! Man, I've got it good!! 

Yes I still exist.

Holy cow.

Its been awhile.

We have had a TON happen in the past few months (as usual) but I just haven't been able to sit down and blog!! I suck at this pretty bad haha oh well!

So back in July we went to my grandparents house in Auburn, Ca.  It was super fun.  They live in a gated community with a lake, golf course, and amazing houses.  They always do a huge Fourth of July celebration so we partook of the activities and food and fun times there!  Nanny out did herself once again with yummy food, adorable decorations in her house, and just an all around great time!  My uncle from Washington came down with his family so we got to hang with the cousins, too!  It was so cute to take Kohen to the beach. He was a little scared of the water at first, but then loved it!!  He really hated his life jacket, though.  We will have to work on that next year haha.  My dads (then) girl friend, Mindy and her son, Morgan, and niece Brooklyn also joined us on the Fourth.  It was the first time officially meeting them for Trey and I so we were a little nervous, but we all seemed to hit it off!  It was such a nice time overall.

We also received some news in July, we are expecting our second little bun!!!  I am due March 21, 2014.  They will be 23 months apart almost to the day! It is so crazy to think we are having another.  It seemed like it took Kohen forever to get here, and then the time just FLEW from the day he was born.  I still can't believe he is a walking, semi-talking, crazy little boy!  No longer a baby! And to imagine a second little person to love and hold and watch grow is mind boggling! I am so excited.  I am SO baby hungry and I can't wait to have another newborn.  I get so sad thinking that I will never get to have Kohen as a baby again.  It went by way too fast!  It will also be interesting to do it all over again.  I like to think I still remember how to care for a new born, but I'm nervous!! I am especially nervous for the sleepless nights.  I've been so spoiled with Kohen.  He goes to bed at 9 and wakes up at 9 and takes a 2 hour nap during the day.  Trust me, I am taking full advantage of my sleep before the baby comes!!!!  It will be a change for sure!!

This pregnancy has been a little different than last time.  I was more sick this time, and WAY more tired.  I think its just because I have Kohen to care for and chase around.  It has gone by a lot faster this time around, again probably due to Kohen!  I am just so anxious to find out what we are having, then I think the time will really fly.  I am currently 17 weeks and 3 days.  We find out what we are having on November 1.  I really don't have a preference.  I think a girl would be so fun!  But a boy would be fun for Kohen to have a little brother to play with.  Either way I will be so happy as long as it is healthy.  I will definitely be posting more once we find out!!

In August I turned 22!  Sometimes I still think I'm 18 or something, but then I see my sister who is 17 and remember that I'm married and a mom and not a kid anymore.  Its weird.

On August 10, my dad married Mindy.  It was a nice ceremony in their neighbor's backyard at sunset.  We had a lot of family and friends come from all over to support us all.  I am super happy that my dad is happy! And everyone seems to be adjusting well in the Leetham home.  Honestly, it was a hard thing for all of us I think.  It was just such a huge change and pretty fast, too.  But I am so happy for them and I am grateful my dad found someone to love and help him with all he has to do.

Trey has been so busy with work!  He is now over 6 stores and training another Area Manager.  He is amazing.  He seriously works SO hard.  His owners seem to be very impressed with him and have some plans for him!  I'm so grateful to have a husband who takes care of us SO WELL.  He has helped keep us financially secure and comfortable and that is such a huge relief. It has been a challenge figuring out both of our schedules with only one car, but we are managing.  We have been so blessed.  I started school at the end of August and I am loving it.  I am only taking two classes and it has been much more manageable than last semester.  I feel like I can take care of everything without stressing so that has been such a nice thing for me.  Its also nice being able to do something for myself and get a little "me" time every night.  I seriously love my major and I am so excited to keep learning!  It is going to take a long time to graduate with two kids!  But as long as I keep chipping away at it I think it will be worth it.  

Kohen is at such a fun age!  I hate how fast he is growing, but I love each new stage.  He can say SO many words in english and spanish!  He knows where his eyes are, his nose, teeth, ear, belly, and we are working on toes.  He loves apples!  Not apple slices, but whole apples.  He is learning how to count.  He always skips one and says "dwos"  as in "dos" and "two" mixed!  Its so funny!  But Trey counts with him in spanish and he guesses a lot of the number right! He is so smart.  He is really really tall, too.  He is getting super skinny.  He is being more of a stubborn eater, but he is definitely growing!  He is obsessed with Elmo.  He asks me to watch Sesame Street CONSTANTLY.  He also loves to dance!! He cracks us up all the time with his moves.  I love him so much!! This is my favorite age so far.  He is just my little buddy!  I can't even remember life without him.  I love being a mom, and especially HIS mom.  I feel so incredibly blessed.

I think that is all the update for now.  I will for sure be better about posting before the baby comes!

One Year

It's strange having to go about your business on the anniversary of a day that changed your life so drastically.  It seems like the world should stop or something, just for today... but of course that's impossible.  I lost my angel Mommy one year ago today.  I was nervous all week as this day approached because I wasn't sure how I would take it.  I had a really good cry last night.  I reflected on this time last year and a lot of emotions came back that were difficult to feel.  I texted my dad and he reminded me that she wouldn't want us to be sad today.  She wouldn't want us to be mopey and cry all day.  And that is true.  It's not easy to NOT be sad on a day like today.  But I think I'm ok.  I miss her.  SO MUCH.  All the time.  She truly was my best friend, the best mom I could ever ask for and I'm so honored I got as much time with her as I did.  She wouldn't want me to be sad... so I'm going to do what she would do, stay busy :)

I've grown in so many ways in the past year.  I've received so many blessings.  I've been shown so much love.  I've had some experiences that prove to me that my mom is STILL my mom and still with me everyday.  She is my guardian angel, she is Kohen's guardian angel, and so many others angel as well.  Of course I still cry and have really hard days.  I still wish she was just a phone call away.  But I know she's hard at work taking care of all of us from the other side and will continue to do so until that marvelous day when we are all reunited as an eternal family.  

I heard this song a while ago and it was so amazing how much it affected me.  It is such a great reminder of the things I know, that I WILL see my mom again.  

I love you mom.  Thank you for being there for me.  Even now I know you are involved in my life and I know you watch out for me and for Kohen.  I know you still take care of all of us.  Thank you for being the best example of a mom, friend, and person I could ever have.  You are so amazing.  You are such a huge piece of my heart and I can't wait until that part is full again.  I love you!

Always,

Kelsey 

Some life changing moments

So some of you may know I've taken on a new lifestyle.  At first I called it "partially vegan," but as I've kind of experimented I want to call it "happy living."  My dear friend, Erin, and I are trying to motivate one another and be healthier together.  We decided to change our lifestyles to be more healthy, happier, and positive.  Erin has been such an inspiration to me, not only because she looks amazing, but she makes me feel amazing just by being in a room with her.  For a while I was feeling really down on myself in the fact that I haven't lost my baby weight, I wasn't motivated, and I felt like I was a bad wife and mother because I wasn't happy and couldn't get myself to take care of our home in a way I thought I should be.  So I called Erin and she really helped me get out of that mindset.  This is when we decided to cut out sugar completely, and eat an almost 100% plant based diet (meaning we eat meat once in a while, for me once a week) and no dairy or animal products.  The thing about this lifestyle we are trying to accept isn't about what we can or can't have.  It's about learning to look at food in a different way and to only put the best things into our bodies.  So last week we started this together and for me I felt AMAZING.  I hadn't had that much energy in a long time.  I was more motivated from that energy and, thus, happier!  Trey and I bought some weights and set goals to work out every day.  I couldn't believe the difference in just one day.

I have to admit this past weekend was rough.  We had a wedding to go to and my family was in town and I didn't have much self control.  So I had some cake at the wedding.  At first I felt terrible because I let myself down and I let Erin down, but she was super supportive and helped me realize that I am not going to be perfect at this.  Its just like life, we make mistakes but we get back up and keep trying.  I think that is when it really hit me that I can choose a healthier lifestyle and LOVE it.  I felt like pooh after eating sugar and I was grouchy and had no energy after.  So it made me WANT to eat healthy again!  I can't even explain the change I have gone through.  I no longer look at myself and think of all the weight I want to lose.  I look at myself and am grateful for my body and excited to make permanent changes that might take longer to see results, but will ultimately be so much better and help me teach myself healthy habits.  I've started up clean eating and I am feeling so great!

Anyway, so Erin had me watch a couple videos on YouTube and they changed my life.  I STRONGLY recommend you watch them.

 I can't even tell you how much this helped me.  It made me realize so many things about myself. It made me realize how I've been so afraid of being vulnerable because I never want to feel as vulnerable as I did when I lost my mom again.  I hated feeling like that.  I felt like I couldn't control anything and that Heavenly Father could take Trey and Kohen at any second if He wanted to and I was terrified of that.  I realized I started putting up walls because I was scared of letting people too close and then losing them.  Even with Kohen.  This was totally subconscious and I didn't even realize I had done it until after watching Brene's video.  That moment was one of those life changing moments you never forget and make you a completely different person.  I realized that connecting to people is a necessary thing as human beings, and if we can't be vulnerable then connecting with people is impossible.  I mean really though, who can you connect to more?  The girl down the street who always has a perfect home, perfect hair, and the perfect body?  Or the girl who is scattered, and honest, and not afraid to say it like it is because she knows she is FAR from perfect?  I realized its OK to spend a day on the couch because I'm missing my mom.  It's OK if I need to just take a break from everything and cry.  It's OK if dinner isn't on the table as soon as Trey walks in the door.  It's OK if my house is a mess because I wanted to play with Kohen all day.  This video, as simple as it is taught me that the moments you feel most vulnerable can be the most defining moments if you allow yourself to FEEL and if you allow yourself to be WEAK.  And if you can express those feelings with someone else, we can heal so much quicker because you create a connection that makes you stronger.  When we do that, we become stronger and stronger.

This one is amazing too!!!

The thing that really stood out to me in this one was learning the difference between SHAME and GUILT.  I felt guilty because I wasn't being the ideal mom and wife.  I was ASHAMED that I had no motivation and that I was depressed.  There is NO REASON to feel guilty for feeling vulnerable.  I can't talk these videos up enough.  They are only 20 minutes so take the time to watch them.  They truly changed me!!!

Since watching Brene's talks I have been happier, I've been able to reconnect with Trey and allow myself to love him wholeheartedly.  I've been able to enjoy every little thing Kohen does and to not take things so seriously.  If he makes a huge mess at lunch I laugh and tell him I love him.  It really feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  One of the biggest changes I have made is learning that forgiving others for wrongs against you, though very difficult to do, will allow you to look past feelings of hurt or anger and will help you to love them for who they are.  They probably are scared of feeling vulnerable and react in their own way.  It's our job to be the first to show vulnerability and allow a connection to take place so that we can help each other and make connections in a world that is cold and hard to live in.  Super deep stuff!  I know!! But if we all try and make connections, how much happier will we be knowing that we are making positive changes in such a negative world??

Just some things to think about :)