It's strange having to go about your business on the anniversary of a day that changed your life so drastically. It seems like the world should stop or something, just for today... but of course that's impossible. I lost my angel Mommy one year ago today. I was nervous all week as this day approached because I wasn't sure how I would take it. I had a really good cry last night. I reflected on this time last year and a lot of emotions came back that were difficult to feel. I texted my dad and he reminded me that she wouldn't want us to be sad today. She wouldn't want us to be mopey and cry all day. And that is true. It's not easy to NOT be sad on a day like today. But I think I'm ok. I miss her. SO MUCH. All the time. She truly was my best friend, the best mom I could ever ask for and I'm so honored I got as much time with her as I did. She wouldn't want me to be sad... so I'm going to do what she would do, stay busy :)
I've grown in so many ways in the past year. I've received so many blessings. I've been shown so much love. I've had some experiences that prove to me that my mom is STILL my mom and still with me everyday. She is my guardian angel, she is Kohen's guardian angel, and so many others angel as well. Of course I still cry and have really hard days. I still wish she was just a phone call away. But I know she's hard at work taking care of all of us from the other side and will continue to do so until that marvelous day when we are all reunited as an eternal family.
I heard this song a while ago and it was so amazing how much it affected me. It is such a great reminder of the things I know, that I WILL see my mom again.
I love you mom. Thank you for being there for me. Even now I know you are involved in my life and I know you watch out for me and for Kohen. I know you still take care of all of us. Thank you for being the best example of a mom, friend, and person I could ever have. You are so amazing. You are such a huge piece of my heart and I can't wait until that part is full again. I love you!
So some of you may know I've taken on a new lifestyle. At first I called it "partially vegan," but as I've kind of experimented I want to call it "happy living." My dear friend, Erin, and I are trying to motivate one another and be healthier together. We decided to change our lifestyles to be more healthy, happier, and positive. Erin has been such an inspiration to me, not only because she looks amazing, but she makes me feel amazing just by being in a room with her. For a while I was feeling really down on myself in the fact that I haven't lost my baby weight, I wasn't motivated, and I felt like I was a bad wife and mother because I wasn't happy and couldn't get myself to take care of our home in a way I thought I should be. So I called Erin and she really helped me get out of that mindset. This is when we decided to cut out sugar completely, and eat an almost 100% plant based diet (meaning we eat meat once in a while, for me once a week) and no dairy or animal products. The thing about this lifestyle we are trying to accept isn't about what we can or can't have. It's about learning to look at food in a different way and to only put the best things into our bodies. So last week we started this together and for me I felt AMAZING. I hadn't had that much energy in a long time. I was more motivated from that energy and, thus, happier! Trey and I bought some weights and set goals to work out every day. I couldn't believe the difference in just one day.
I have to admit this past weekend was rough. We had a wedding to go to and my family was in town and I didn't have much self control. So I had some cake at the wedding. At first I felt terrible because I let myself down and I let Erin down, but she was super supportive and helped me realize that I am not going to be perfect at this. Its just like life, we make mistakes but we get back up and keep trying. I think that is when it really hit me that I can choose a healthier lifestyle and LOVE it. I felt like pooh after eating sugar and I was grouchy and had no energy after. So it made me WANT to eat healthy again! I can't even explain the change I have gone through. I no longer look at myself and think of all the weight I want to lose. I look at myself and am grateful for my body and excited to make permanent changes that might take longer to see results, but will ultimately be so much better and help me teach myself healthy habits. I've started up clean eating and I am feeling so great!
Anyway, so Erin had me watch a couple videos on YouTube and they changed my life. I STRONGLY recommend you watch them.
I can't even tell you how much this helped me. It made me realize so many things about myself. It made me realize how I've been so afraid of being vulnerable because I never want to feel as vulnerable as I did when I lost my mom again. I hated feeling like that. I felt like I couldn't control anything and that Heavenly Father could take Trey and Kohen at any second if He wanted to and I was terrified of that. I realized I started putting up walls because I was scared of letting people too close and then losing them. Even with Kohen. This was totally subconscious and I didn't even realize I had done it until after watching Brene's video. That moment was one of those life changing moments you never forget and make you a completely different person. I realized that connecting to people is a necessary thing as human beings, and if we can't be vulnerable then connecting with people is impossible. I mean really though, who can you connect to more? The girl down the street who always has a perfect home, perfect hair, and the perfect body? Or the girl who is scattered, and honest, and not afraid to say it like it is because she knows she is FAR from perfect? I realized its OK to spend a day on the couch because I'm missing my mom. It's OK if I need to just take a break from everything and cry. It's OK if dinner isn't on the table as soon as Trey walks in the door. It's OK if my house is a mess because I wanted to play with Kohen all day. This video, as simple as it is taught me that the moments you feel most vulnerable can be the most defining moments if you allow yourself to FEEL and if you allow yourself to be WEAK. And if you can express those feelings with someone else, we can heal so much quicker because you create a connection that makes you stronger. When we do that, we become stronger and stronger.
This one is amazing too!!!
The thing that really stood out to me in this one was learning the difference between SHAME and GUILT. I felt guilty because I wasn't being the ideal mom and wife. I was ASHAMED that I had no motivation and that I was depressed. There is NO REASON to feel guilty for feeling vulnerable. I can't talk these videos up enough. They are only 20 minutes so take the time to watch them. They truly changed me!!!
Since watching Brene's talks I have been happier, I've been able to reconnect with Trey and allow myself to love him wholeheartedly. I've been able to enjoy every little thing Kohen does and to not take things so seriously. If he makes a huge mess at lunch I laugh and tell him I love him. It really feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. One of the biggest changes I have made is learning that forgiving others for wrongs against you, though very difficult to do, will allow you to look past feelings of hurt or anger and will help you to love them for who they are. They probably are scared of feeling vulnerable and react in their own way. It's our job to be the first to show vulnerability and allow a connection to take place so that we can help each other and make connections in a world that is cold and hard to live in. Super deep stuff! I know!! But if we all try and make connections, how much happier will we be knowing that we are making positive changes in such a negative world??
Kohen's birthday was on April 25. I can't even begin to comprehend that he was born a year ago... it seems so surreal. HOW did that go by THAT fast?!? The night before his birthday I was rocking him to sleep and I just started crying! It's funny that growing up is a sad thing for moms. Trey was like "why are you sad? Its a happy thing!" I couldn't explain it, but it is sad. I love every second with my little crazy boy and he is so much fun and he learns everyday and grows everyday and I love watching that happen. But I also miss my little baby! He is not a baby anymore... he looks like a toddler! It just happened over night I think. It just makes me sad that I won't every get to hold my little baby Kohen again. I guess we'll just have to start having more babies so I'm not sad! Haha :)
We celebrated Kohen's birthday on the Saturday before his birthday and we had some friends and some family over and we opened his presents and he ate cake! It was so much fun and we are so grateful to have such wonderful friends and family to celebrate with. Thanks to everyone who came!! We love you guys. Kohen was so funny when he ate his cake. He started out not sure what was going on. His face was priceless when we started singing to him. You would think he would be used to weird things with me and Trey as his parents! He didn't dig right in to his cake like I thought he would. He just nibble at first and then Trey grabbed a handful and shoved it in his face haha! He didn't mind though he just kept eating! It was so cute.
This past weekend was Trey's birthday, on the 27th. He got a nice surprise just in time for his birthday, he got promoted to an Area Manager! He will now be over a few stores making sure everything runs smoothly and will take care of any issues they come across. He is such an amazing man! I'm so proud of him and his accomplishments. I love how his peers and leaders respect him. Man, did I get lucky or what?? For his birthday, Trey wanted to go down to St. George so he could play in a softball tournament in Mesquite, Nevada. It was a nice weekend! It was a little warm but we enjoyed it. Trey's team had fun playing and I'm glad he got to do that. I just let him kinda plan the weekend. We stayed with our good friends, the Bohacek's and went to Olive Garden for birthday dinner. On Sunday we visited with family and had a little party that evening at the park with ice cream sundaes. It was a beautiful evening and we are so grateful to have been able to share it with family!
It's weekends like this past one that remind me of what is really important: Family. I am so grateful for the love and support we have from both sides of our families. But even more so I am so grateful for happy, healthy, and fun boys in my little family. Trey is the best father and husband I could've ever even dreamed of having. He makes me laugh, he loves me, he takes care of me, he is patient with me, and he accepts me for who I am. I am SO blessed to have him. I fall more and more in love with him everyday. Kohen is the light of my life. He is just amazing to me. I love his laugh and smile and happy demeanor. I love how silly he is and I love that he loves me and needs me even though I'm FAR from a perfect mom. He is my little blessing boy. Our life is a great one and I'm looking forward to the rest of eternity with them! It's crazy to think we will have more kids someday and that I will be able to love all of them as much as I love Trey and Kohen! Heck, it's still crazy to think I'm married and have a baby!!! But I wouldn't change anything :) Life is good. Life is good.
For Easter this past Sunday we were invited over to my mom's best friend, Rosalee Ewell's, house for dinner. It was super nice! She is such a sweetheart. We lived with her and her family for about a month and a half before we moved into our basement apartment now, so we've become pretty close with them. They are so generous and kind and it's so nice to have them close-by so we can have fun days like we did on Easter!
I love Easer. This year was very special too because of everything that has happened. I'm so thankful for my Savior. I know I've mentioned this so many time before, but I really would not have made it this past year without Him. He died for us and was resurrected so that we can do the same. He made it possible for us overcome death and live forever with my family. Because He went through this alone, I don't have to. I'm very very grateful for Him, I know He lives, I know He loves me.
I forgot to mention that my brother Ben moved in with us at the beginning of January! Its been so fun having him here. He is doing so great! He's working for Trey at Jimmy John's and saving money to go on a mission!
We had a little egg hunt for all the kids that were there and Kohen was SO adorable. Trey and I were laying in bed talking about it the other night and we were both laughing because he was so fun to watch! He was so focused on finding eggs. And he was walking like crazy in his new shoes and looking fly in his cute outfit from Aunt Stephanie and Adria. I couldn't even stand it. The best part was when he found his first egg and just put it in his basket like he had been egg hunting his whole life. It was so fun. Try not to die from the cuteness...
On March 12, Trey and I celebrated our second anniversary. Since I had school that night we went out the weekend before. Adria (Trey's mom) came up and stayed the night with Kohen so we could go out, which was super nice! Since Trey surprised me last year I got to plan the evening this year. First we went to Nickel Mania. Ok so for those of you who know Trey and I pretty well you know we are kinda immature at times. So of course we had to go play at an arcade where all the games are only a few nickels each. It was so fun! We tried to get as many tickets as we could and we got candy with them! It really was one of the most fun things we've done in a while. Can you tell we are parents that don't get out much? :)
For dinner we went to Tucanos. It's a Brazillian restaurant and it was SO. GOOD. We stuffed our faces. I highly recommend this place to everyone. It's a bit pricey, but worth the amount of food you get. After dinner we went to the Peery Hotel in downtown Salt Lake. It was so cute! Its just a little historical hotel with little rooms but it was really really fun and nice! Adria and I went earlier to check in and set up the room. It was so fun to surprise Trey with a fun get away. We loved it. Saturday morning we went and had breakfast at one of our all time favorite places, Ruth's Diner. Its up on the mountain by the University of Utah. Then we went and got a couple's massage. We were in heaven!!! It was such a nice anniversary and, of course we missed Kohen the whole time, but it was nice to have a night with just the two of us. On our actual anniversary I surprise Trey at work with some great (and embarrassingly big) balloons and his favorite candy. How cute is he??
And to top it all off, when I came home from school to a clean house, no laundry, and Chipotle! BEST HUSBAND AWARD GOES TO TREY. I love him. He is everything I ever dreamed of and more in a husband, father, and best friend. I never doubt that he loves me. He has been such a rock for me this past year. It's crazy to think that on our anniversary last year I was 8 months pregnant and about to leave him for 6 weeks to go have Kohen in California. So much has happened since then. Some good, some terrible. But I never would've made it through any of it without Trey. He is just... amazing :)
My goodness these past few months have been CRAZY!!!! But good too :) I'm SO ready to be done with this semester. I'm taking four classes that all have a lot of homework and it's quite the challenge getting everything done on time. But I'm doing it! I get pretty discouraged and frustrated sometimes and feel like quitting, but I know it will be so worth it in the long run. I'm so thankful that I get to go to school AND stay home with Kohen. It really is such a blessing to be able to do both. I do wish I had finished school before we had Kohen, but it is what it is. Trey is such a great support and so wonderful to let me do this. Sure our lives would be less stressful and it would be easier on Trey if I worked. BUT I feel so strongly that staying home with my kids will be the best thing I can do for them. And once I finish my degree I will be able to do some part time work from home, which I am excited to do. So that is why I have been a terrible blogger this year. I always have an excuse. Haha so once again I'm playing catch up!
On Valentine's Day I decided to do a little photo shoot with Kohen to try out our new camera. It wasn't easy to get Kohen to stay in one spot with all of the fun balloons, but I got a few good ones :) I'm taking photoshop in the summer so I'm excited to learn how to edit photos! But here's what I got.
I love this kid more than I could've ever imagined I could love someone. He is so much fun! The first thing everyone says about him is "He is SO happy!" and he is. I'm so grateful that I get to be his mom. Even though he can be challenging at times because of his energy (he. never. stops.) I love every second of it.
Sorry about the last post. Bad day. Here's a GOOD day.
Today Kohen is 9 months old! I can't even believe it. He's been out of my belly as long as he was in it! He is getting so big and smart and learning every day. Some of his favorite things to do at 9 months are playing peekaboo with mom or dad under a blanket, pushing is train, reading books (he LOVES books), standing for a few seconds on his own, saying "hi" by waving his arm around wildly, giving high fives, crying while pulling on my legs until I pick him up (especially while I'm doing homework), and making people smile! He is not a shy boy, but he definitely prefers his Mama! He LOVES music and will dance by bouncing up and down when he hears a song he likes. Sometimes he crawls on his hands and feet because he can get around faster and that is hilarious to watch! He has his 9 months check up on Feb. 13 and I'm so anxious to see how much he has grown. He is HEAVY. He was 20 lbs at 6 months so we will see what three months of solid food has done for him. I know he has grown a couple inches for sure. I'll give the update as soon as we get it!
I love being his mommy every day and I'm so thankful God as allowed me to be his mom. Its an adventure and I'm so excited to see where it goes. But I'm not in a hurry at all! He's growing up too fast already. My Nanny said its about time to have another and I'm in no way ready for that! Yet. Yet. Maybe next year :) We will see.
A quick update from my side of things, school is going really well and I love all of my classes! I'm taking 13 credits this semester and just adding that one class is such a huge difference and I am busy busy this time around. I don't know if I've posted on here exactly what I'm going into, so sorry for the repeat if I did, but I'm studying graphic design and photography at Salt Lake Community College. I want to do wedding/birth/graduation announcements and all that jazz. Its nuts. But thankfully I have such an amazing supporter of a husband! He has been so wonderful and patient. I love him very much. His store is doing awesome and he is working as hard, if not harder, than every. We are blessed to have him. Well thats our update! Til Next Time :)
